Today is one of those days I just feel isolated. I get the feeling often lately. It’s not so much a depressed or disillusioned feeling just sort of an indifferent feeling. For some reason it drives me into a hyperactive frenzy. I think its cause I have so much energy that I would really like to be ‘connecting’ with someone or some group and when I can’t use it doing that I simply just burn it off through spastic energy. When I use the word ‘connecting’ I mean particularly conversing with others on an intimate level (especially spiritually). Unfortunately I don’t get as much of that here at school as I would like and it is perhaps my greatest source of discontentment at this stage in my life. I don’t necessarily blame any of my friends or anything. I place the blame squarely on myself. Of course my closest friends (most of them from high school) I have this depth with and it is pretty easy and natural to have such an exchange. I think the potential is here…but much more difficult to instigate. I guess this feeling is so frustrating because we aren’t made simply to take in but also to pour out. And I feel like I haven’t been able to pour out very much lately…I guess this journal is probably a product of this particular frustration. Although I have no idea who if anybody actually reads this stuff, it gives me satisfaction to know that ‘it’s out there for somebody.’ In this particular state of frustration I am reminded of how important and magnificent my relationship with Christ is. I’ve never really had an intimate (by which I mean deep) consistent relationship with anyone. I have some great friends who I’m close with but it seems that most of my life I have lived in a perpetual state of loneliness. Which I’m very much used to. But it doesn’t necessarily make it any easier. But I see to great benefits of loneliness. The first, it has driven me to God and has aided my intimacy with Him in ways that nothing else could. Secondly, I think the exile makes the promise land all that much sweeter. The promise land: a godly female companion. Perhaps everyone believes this, but I am certain that God has not only prepared a perfect match but that he has prepared me for marriage is such a profound way that the fruit thereof will be recognizably superior to the rest. Maybe you laugh and snicker at this proposition but I believe it wholeheartedly. I believe God has (for whatever reason) given me a very clear vision for this area of my life (any many others as well). Romans 12:2 “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.” I think most people are happy for the normal or even good. I won’t settle for anything but the perfect. Peace.
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